Vaderchaun

Search your feelings, you know
you want to give me your lucky charms.

Together, we can rule the galaxy as father and crazy-little-green-Irishman-of-ambiguous-sexuality-with-a-suspicious obsession-with-little-children.

New marshmallows every year: impressive. Most impressive.


I was at Brian's apartment watching a movie with him and Adam. Some weird girl named Alli came over, and Brian and Alli retreated to his bedroom for some sweet innocent prior-to-sexual-relations talking giggling cuddling. Adam went to sleep. I was alone in the big blue apartment not really wanting to go home. I saw the darth vader mask. I saw the leprechaun hat. I decided that I would put the mask over my head, the hat over my crotch, and barge in on whatever unspeakables Alli and Brian were engaging in. I did not yet know Alli, however, and I was surprisingly in a less-than-completely-tactless mood. So I hesitated, contemplating the situation, searching my soul for courage bravery and absurdity. I went to the bathroom to change after five minutes of laughing to myself about the idea. I took off my clothes, turned my face into vader and my crotch into lucky charms, and I stared at myself in the mirror. And laughed. For about twenty minutes.

That night, I never actually got the guts to get into the room with the wandering eyes hands hearts. Alli and Brian are still together over a year later. Maybe that wouldn't be the case if Alli had so soon realized that her seemingly-stable soon-to-be-boyfriend had very seemingly-unstable friends.

A couple of weeks later, after I'd conversed with Alli and broken down certain social barriers and flirted with her a few times, dropping witty sexual innuendos left and right, I decided that, finally, vaderchaun would come to life. And come to life he did (Zing!). Brian took a picture. Now you get to see it.

Note the uber-sexy lines formed by the abdominal muscles just above my hips. Girls, apparently, like 'em. Look closer. Notice that they're uneven. I'm a physical phreak.