Verbal masturbation OR what I said I didn't want to do but would

I have this strange habit where I write something and then re-read it over a number of times, just for the sake of reading it. On a night like tonight, I generally try not to think about this reading in editing terms, but inevitably it slowly turns into a revision and addition process (I felt like that last post needed more concrete metaphor and weirdness so I went back and added the penis/girlfriend riff). Right now, I'm in bed, and it feels great. I love having a soft, smooth, white, warm body on my lap, something for me to finger with a rhythmic tapping motion. And man, when I push the right botton, does she sing!!!

When I first talked about naming my computer, Brian said I shouldn't, because I'd get too attached. I was initially thinking of man-names. But now that I've actually seen/used my Mac, I think I should give it a girl's name (though, perhaps, it's got a steadiness that is rare within the fairer fickler gender...wait. did I just say that? Yay for much-deserved hate-spam from girls, which would come only were they to read this blog...but face it. It's true. You know you're going to say it's true about all girls except you, and then you'll grin sheepishly, and note how it makes you charming. I know you. I've seen you out on that dance floor. Shakin' that booty. Yummmph) But it does have the smoothness/warmth/comfort/portability of a female. It also smells nice and likes to bite my nipple.

My foray into that girlfriend-analogy on my last post got me to thinking about the big post that will have LOVE as its topic. But I won't start that now. I promise. That'd keep me up until Sunday. In the meantime, though, I got to thinkin'....If I had the option, which of my ex-girlfriends would I want to have a short-term love-affair with? Who would you pick and why? For me, I think it'd probably be Ari, for a number of reasons. A) She's hot. B) She's very sexual C) My emotional attachment is pretty darn distant from her these days, so it wouldn't be nearly as much of an emotional problem in terms of recreating old negative thought-tendencies and leading me down a deep dark need path toward depression and feeling unloved and bitter resentment and all of that. D) She was good about drilling my tongue with her ear.
Obviously, if we were talking about a rekindling of long-term relationships, that'd have to be with 'ze other girlfriend, for obvious stillinlovewithherevenifItrynottobe reasons, and because I think she has an undefined divinity about her the surface of which I only cracked (or stuck my tongue into) (see how I make the joke to lighten/degrade the thought of it to try and create distance between myself and my emotions? Yay defense mechanisms!!!And did you see how I didn't mention her by name, because that would feel like some sort of strange betrayal in some wonked-out way, that her name as this sacrosanctness to it that shouldn't be blemished as use for blog-fodder......amazing, really, the power in a name. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but the shampoo called 'rose-dawn' wouldn't smell as sweet if we called it 'fred's-shit'.

Writing this blog creates the sense that no one is reading it AND that everyone is reading it. This is a strange/dangerous amalgam of feelings. At the same time, I mostly don't cognitively realize that this can be viewed by anyone anywhere. At the same time, I can imagine this communication going out to various specific persons, which gives me the initiative to be open/self-explanatory/weird/etc. So it's like a combination of all the emails I would've written to an array of peoplee, but all mushed together. Funky. It's to do with the inability of the human mind to really conceive of more than one person at a time. Kirby Olson, a lutheran Surrealist, talks about this in his blog, about how he can't really conceive of the suffering of people in New Orleans on a wide scale, but he can imagine one person in the superdome, one person being overtaken by water in an attic, etc. Maybe God gave us this brain defeciency so we wouldn't feel all emotions at once, or get overwhelmed, or decide to turn into foghorns.

leghorn.

Mustard pie.

KURDS!!!

love,

Turd

goat-daughter. OR

British

duck-offspring.